Hiding behind the Fat-It's not what I'm eating but what's eating me..

1-28-09-M It occurs to me that I've been eating out of depression. When I"m happy I don't eat as much I am more active and want to be more engaged with life. My relationship with my boyfriend isn't what I want or need so I stuff myself with food . It serves a few purposes. One it keeps me safe from getting any male attention. Two it gives me a good reason to not try to meet anyone new. Three it feeds the emotional lonely that I've been feeling. When I'm eating I'm doing something. It's an activity of sorts. I can eat and watch tv. I can eat and be on the computer. Or I can be shopping for things to eat. It's a way out of the house. Or I can be planning on what I'll be shopping for to eat in front of the tv. An endless self medicating food monster that seems to grow and grow. Of course exercise is doing something as well . Planning healthy meals is doing something as well. But.. and there is always a but.. if I start to shed the pounds do I shed the armor that has kept me safe from risking new experiences? What if I lost the weight and still ended up alone? Am I ok being alone? It's a question I seem to wrestle with. At one point I thought my boyfriend and I were headed down the aisle. It was easy to become complacent. The very thought of going out there again a middle aged out of shape mom of two makes me cringe ! Ack.. so now I have to take care of my head as well as my heart and deal with why I eat as much as what I eat. Life above ground is never easy but it beats the alternative.