Hiding behind the Fat-It's not what I'm eating but what's eating me..

1-28-09-M It occurs to me that I've been eating out of depression. When I"m happy I don't eat as much I am more active and want to be more engaged with life. My relationship with my boyfriend isn't what I want or need so I stuff myself with food . It serves a few purposes. One it keeps me safe from getting any male attention. Two it gives me a good reason to not try to meet anyone new. Three it feeds the emotional lonely that I've been feeling. When I'm eating I'm doing something. It's an activity of sorts. I can eat and watch tv. I can eat and be on the computer. Or I can be shopping for things to eat. It's a way out of the house. Or I can be planning on what I'll be shopping for to eat in front of the tv. An endless self medicating food monster that seems to grow and grow. Of course exercise is doing something as well . Planning healthy meals is doing something as well. But.. and there is always a but.. if I start to shed the pounds do I shed the armor that has kept me safe from risking new experiences? What if I lost the weight and still ended up alone? Am I ok being alone? It's a question I seem to wrestle with. At one point I thought my boyfriend and I were headed down the aisle. It was easy to become complacent. The very thought of going out there again a middle aged out of shape mom of two makes me cringe ! Ack.. so now I have to take care of my head as well as my heart and deal with why I eat as much as what I eat. Life above ground is never easy but it beats the alternative.

Back and forth

One day under 250 the next over 250lbs. I have been quite consistent with the treadmill so at this point Im hoping I am exchanging a little new muscle for some old fat! I still hardly have anything the resembles a diet and new teeth doesnt really help that, as I just want to eat anything I havent had in a while. So as has worked in the past ... I will keep at the excercise and hope it keeps me from gaining until I get a more regemented eating intinerary in place. Besides, Im really enjoying those cardio endorphins! Viva La Brain Chemicals!

Ack..

1-26-09-M-.. Gaining back 5lbs wasn't in my plan nor was skipping working out. Winter blues hit hard and I am back to square one. Rick said nice blog we have going there not that you ever visit it. Seasonal depression has hit hard. I have no energy to get out of bed and do things.
But since I'm back on the blog.. I will get my fat ass back to working out as well. Fact is I felt 100x better doing it and like total shit since I've stopped. So any normal person would say get your self back in motion. That's the plan. This weekend we adopted a new 6 month old adorable puppy he needs lots of walks and tons of play time so he's given me a smile and motivation to put the fork down and put one foot in front of the other again.
It's never easy.. but it's worth it.

The January Doldrums at Full Strength

Must ... keep ... on ... track

As I trudge uphill both ways into the teeth (intended pun) of the pack on the pounds blizzard I am reminded why many who struggle in the face of New Years resolutions, drop in their tracks. January sucks. My weight is up then down, My resolve is firm then non-existent. I am vigilant then complacent. Not even mentioning numbers today. The bright spot is I have teeth again and my food choice horizon is greatly expanded and that can be either a good thing or a bad thing. Off to te treadmill. I will update soon.

Winter blues..

01-16-09 M- The good the bad and the ugly.. Well I've been sticking to the exercise and really enjoying it but I have to admit sticking to a decent eating routine is harder than I thought. I may have to go back to weight watchers. I have really good eating moments then backslide with crappy items. What's been missing is decent snack choices. I did run out and get some yummies last night that are low calorie. If they don't work to cut off the cravings I'll rejoin WW. I'm determined to make this work.

(beep Beep Beep) Backslide in progress

As I look at the scale and shake my head with a disconcerted scowl at being back over 250, I hear the beeps while backing my trash truck sized ass off the scale. Had a bit of rough one and missed the treadmill yesterday, but that happens when the dentist digs around in you jawbone I guess. But it looks like my problem has been corrected so Im back on the healing trail and hoping to be able to chew all those lo-cal foods soon. IN the meantime back on the program and I may have to look into that Wii thing a little more in order to keep up. Always wanted one!

Moving things .. ( pun intended)

1-13-09 M- I've started weighing myself on my Wii fit.. which measures everything.. you weight.. height.. age.. chronological age.. balance etc. The scale says I weigh more than my old scale but I'll start from what it says. One great thing it does do is suggest exercises to improve your body type etc. I've been getting a little bored with the bike.. so today it was fun to mix things up with aerobic exercise! It was laughable seeing me try to follow along to the dance party after about 1053 tries I finally got the hang of it and really started to break a sweat. ( Note to self do NOT have your kids in the room when you attempt such a feat as they tend to snicker at you.) Part of the reason it said I weighed more yesterday and this is gross .. it turns out I haven't taken a decent poo in a few days. After accomplishing that I got on the scale a full 2.4lbs lighter this morning. So yes.. the theory still holds.. eat.. exercise and don't forget to poo! When I saw all the exercise choices.. I was very excited. I think I'll kick some cardio butt with boxing.. then do some yoga.. and still embrace the bike.. Now if only the donut cravings would go away! Accccckkkkk

Be Careful with the Rewards Program

Indulgence is always a balancing act. Cheater Cheater should have checked with me before she went hog wild. I would have offered some advice similar to the bodybuilders I used to train. The first rule

• Ease into it, squeeze as much pleasure from as little a reward as you can.
• dont treat it as an indugence, treat it as the prize you won.

M very easily could have achieved her culinary nirvana by eating a great deal less and taking longer to savor it all. Perhaps she will use this post to remind her next time. This week has been rough but I feel like I am trying at least 'a little' to get on a consistent track even though I have missed a treadmill day. She was hell bent to send weekly scale pictures and I did of course while she hemmed and hawed about her scale NOW being broken. More blah blah blah in my book. So the tale of the tape is this;
12-30-08 253lbs, 1-11-09 249.4 3.5 lbs in two weeks of not really trying to diet at all, so I'll gladly take it. Lets see what M and a new scale says.

Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater....and everything else!

1-09-09-M- After a week of what can only be described as full of good intentions and great starts.. I cheated. Going out to dinner normally entails fast food with my children or a nicer place while still breaking up their fights . But alas on those rare moments when I actually go out on a date night.. to a place that doesn't have a menu on the wall behind the counter.. well let's just say.. when the waiter put the napkin on my lap I felt faint. A roaring fire burned brightly.. several other couples all sat gazing at each other in a Tuscan style restaurant. Not a kid in sight! Just hearing the specials made my mouth water.Part of my brain said order a salad and stick to steamed fish. That part of my brain was quickly extinguished by the rest of my brain that said.. screw it.. life is to short.. embrace the dark side.. enjoy this meal to the fullest and that's what I did. Oddly enough after being sick.. the previous week and then eating sensible portions.. my stomach revolted at the end. Soon enough I found myself dashing off to the ladies room.. where I felt the first tinge of mutiny from my system. Sitting there going for what seemed like an hour.. I got the message.. Gluttony is a sin for a reason.. no good can come from it. Once we arrived back home and settled into a cozy canoodle.. again the rumblings of my stomach started again. Shish boom ba..back to the bathroom for another 20 years. Finally back to my beloved who looked at me with pity and laughter in his eyes. The next morning.. the knowledge that the scale awaited. I got my blubbered body back on the bike and did 10 miles with vigor. In the end I didn't gain weight but I did learn a lesson.. moderation is key to anything! If I want to cheat, cheat in small portions .. 1 cookie not 10.. 1 appetizer not 2! Telling Rick about my adventure.. his response to this was so your idea of a diet is eat, drink a ton of water and shit. Well Rick .. I gotta tell ya that about sums it up.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable. ~Mark Twain

1-7-09-M Lesson for today being organized isn't half bad. After pre-cutting a ton of veggies and pre cooking lean proteins throwing together a meal was actually easy. I made a delicious ( my standard is no one ended up in the ER) turkey chili the day before it was easy enough to heat it up with a little low fat cheese on it. Six minute meal you can't beat that. I've continued to increase my time on the bike and add more water to my daily routine. My kids are being supportive telling me mom.. you might not be the fattest person at the town pool this summer if you keep this up.
I'm still in the honeymoon period.. with this .. the New Year's excitement.. let's hope I don't want a divorce from this diet any time soon.

I Got the Music In Me

1-06-09 -M- Dragging my fat ass out of bed to work out is a challenge. It's cold.. it's dark and no good can come from working out before the sun comes up. At any rate after a well deserved pee I got on my bike. Instead of watching tv this morning I ramped up my Ipod.. before I knew it I was singing along to old Disco.. hey this wasn't so bad.. miles were passing and I was still doing my best Vickie Sue Robinson impression. Turn.. the beat arouuuuund. Vickie Sue.. turned into Donna Summer.. KC&Sunshine Band.. etc.. so instead of dread I got into it. Before long I'd gone longer than I did yesterday with minimal bitching and moaning. The goal being to work up to it slowly again. As for Rick.. and his never ending whine about keeping the weight off and how much he lost in the past. That man needs to live in the present. Blah blah.. I lost 180lbs in the past. Ok Paly Boy we got it. How many pounds did you lose today? How much sweat equity did you put in? How many carbs did you stuff in your mouth? We need to live in the present .. learn from the past and move on. Have I been a yo yo dieter the past few years.. you betcha.. am I sure this will work this time.. no way.. but I'm embracing right now.. not purchasing jeans that are 4 sizes smaller or wondering when I'll be ready to wear them. The fact that I can button my pants a little easier gives me joy. When I can actually put them in the dryer instead of hanging them up for fear they will shrink will be another milestone. Weight loss isn't always measured on the scale.. it's measured in small victories baby steps.. Ricks intentions of keeping the weight off are wonderful.. but there also has to be a time when you move forward and take more off instead of staying stuck at what you did.. tell us what you do!

Banished Excuses and The Get Rid Of It Challenge

Bahhhh, enough of who is the most challenged! (stumbles a little with his club foot and claw hand.) Shes got issues - I got issues. I do know that the impetus to get it done is easily there, as getting in shape gets harder the older you get. I know my recovery time is wayyyy longer than ever. I work with college kids and constantly get reminded of the benefits of youth. So okay yes it's hard! And harder still after 40! If it was easy we wouldnt have a country full of tubby folks. So, (cue Rocky music) let the quest for the 'good weight' continue with not only the objective of getting there being the focus but also the fortitude to stay there! Its hard on the body to gain or lose too much weight, so lets make this a not a 'get it off' but a 'Get Rid of It' prospect. I know when I lost 180lbs all those years ago, I knew I never wanted to have to lose them again ... and so I didnt.

This is now not a losing it challenge, its a get rid of it and never finding it again quest. Its a new healthy habit that replaces its old bad habit nemesis, its the back sliding and catching it quick process, its forgetting how to stuff your body for any other reason than to nourish it. I figure if I am going to go to all the trouble to work this hard for an objective, I am going to stay there when I reach it! Trying to get M to do the same remains to be seen. She has game, but is she willing to bring all of it? Or is she just playing another cycle of the lose it and get lazy again game? I guess we will see. The treadmill is mocking me again, time to walk some more.

Ack..

1-05-09-M- Ack.. Ack.. Ack.. started to work out today.. slow at first as I'm still recovering from the flu and various other maladies. I'm not sure what was scarier getting on the bike or looking at myself in form fitting yoga pants and seeing 10lbs of potatoes in a 5lb sack.. again ack.. ack ack..baby's got back.. and front.. and top ... You get the point.
I return to work today.. where the temptations of goodies are always there. My best hope is to bring in food so I can avoid their treats of torment.
I need a plan of attack. At some point this week I plan on pre cutting all my veggies and putting them in plastic containers so I can easily reach for them to cook with It will save on prep time and not give me stress when it comes to cooking. Part of my problem has always been the time it takes to cook a decent meal since I always have such a busy schedule. Just to get today's work out in I started setting my alarm clock for an hour earlier last week so I would be used to waking up to squeeze it in.
Rick claims.. this is tougher on him because of his mouth problems.. As flipping IF.. the man can only have liquids which should make him lose weight faster. If all I had were liquids I'd be Heidi Klume thin already.
In a few minutes I must face the scale.. or as I'd like to now refer to as the Firing Squad. But I must remain ever diligent .

1-3-2009-R So its the tale of the caterpillar and the turtle! I dont stand much of a chance but I will keep truckin' on like the Mr. Consistant turtle I am. You see how she already counts on losses and missed meals due to illness. Shes a real Pro I tell ya. Dieting is tough in my case since I have no bottom teeth right now, so it makes crunching carrots and veggies impossible. So no, it is all those rich soft crock pot meals that are in my immediate future, that constitute my diet. But thats okay, I have a secret weapon ... a new treadmill! I walked off 180lbs over a dozen years ago so Im thinking until I can chew again it will help balance the scales! Even if my legs arent as good as they used to be. I figure last year was the year of getting rid of smoking and this year the year of end weight times! Let the games begin.

Caterpiller

1-03-09-M- So.. I'm starting the New Year off sick.. which should make Rick worry.. I have very little urge to eat. I'm hoping he's healthy and eating his way through several ill advised food choices. With little doubt.. Rick is more than likely at this moment working out and throwing out all the nasty foods in his cabinets. I didn't get on the scale today.. I know I should get on it every day to keep myself in check. But nothing is as depressing as starting your day off with the scale yelling at you.. Hey Fatso.. your breaking me. Looking at pictures of myself from a recent trip to see my family I cringe... staring back at me is the image of a middle aged fat woman. Clearly that can't be me but alas it is. I really liked the excuse well I have small kids at home and I eat what they eat. So much for that .. my babies are now a preteen and a teen. All of us have that handy list of reasons why we are fat. My job.. my family.. no time. it's boring .. my body aches afterwards.. etc.. etc.. Perhaps now it's time to embrace a list of reasons for doing it. Change the mind set and maybe.. just maybe the body will follow. Carl Jung once said "The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely." In order to create a new outside .. acceptance of who I am on the inside and where I am in life right now must come first. There is no magic carpet ride to the land of slim and swanky. This will be a marathon not a race. So while I still remain ever hopeful I'm also reflective and evolving as I type. I'm a Caterpillar. in my cocoon.. with any luck.. I'll be a butterfly not afraid to spread my wings and fly.